I had a bit of a meltdown at dinner today.
You see, dinnertime in our house happens to be the hardest thing in the world.
Now I’m not saying I have twins, or toddlers, or I’m even trying to breastfeed whilst chopping tomatoes and answer my mobile with my teeth or anything. No. My children are big. Big enough. But for some stupid reason, and I only have myself to blame, no one eats the same as anyone else.
So here’s the thing. I have one vegan, two gluten-free eaters, one person who only likes his food cool, not hot, *rolls eyes*. Two that don’t eat veg. Like at all. Well, tomato puree on pizza and sweetcorn. My kids will die of malnutrition one day soon.
I have one child that turns up when asked, and one that doesn’t.
One that cooks amazing vegan vegetable loving healthy dinners, and one that thinks pizza actually counts as one of your five-a-day.
I have one child that can’t eat their dinner unless they have another, completely unconnected food item to go along with it! Jesus, Mary and Joseph I know! I mean, like I’ve just served up the culinary equal to the Mona Lisa, and they have to eat it with Dairy-Lea and cool cheese nachos!!!
I actually only have three children, but they all fall into multiple categories so it just feels like a rugby team.
Every single dinner I produce has to have alternatives. I’m like the entire counter staff at Subway.
I stand at my cooker, and they arrive, in dribs and drabs, lined up with a plate, and I ask them what they want to eat.
Now remember it’s already cooked.
AND IT’S SITTING IN FRONT OF THEM ON THE HOB.
And d’you know what they say???
Yup. ‘Well what can I have?’
IT’s in front of you. RIGHT THERE.
Every meal has to have the gluten-free version.
And the vegan version.
And the f***ing meat version.
For dinner tonight we had a completely crap chicken curry that I tried to make with a block of coconut cream because we had no coconut milk. And a risotto. Separate of course, cooked using coconut oil of course. With sweetcorn. For nutritional balance. Nutritional balance my arse. Six kernals of tinned sweetcorn are not going to make a dent in that nutrional carb heavy dish!
And do you know what? The hubby came home and said…’I thought we were having burgers for tea.’
Burgers??? I’ll give him burgers!